It's Christmas and according the editors at FP, that means it's time for a Naughty and Nice list. The problem is: I'm not sure what naughty or nice means any more. (Could be a result of living in the morally compromised world of Washington.) Besides, the whole idea that Santa only has two lists suggests a kind of Manichean justice that I don't think reflects well on the whole North Pole enterprise. What's needed is more nuance. And so that's just what you'll get here. A list of the the best gifts of 2010 for some of the best -- and worst -- people of 2010.

Julian Assange: You want to play spy? You have a hankering for Nordic women? The Russians love you? We read your OK Cupid profile. So how about for you, a marriage made in heaven: a January wedding in beautiful Novosibirsk with Anna Chapman? She will certainly get more secrets out of you than she did the party boys she hung with in New York. What's more, the two of you will instantly replace Naomi Watts and Sean Penn -- er, I mean, Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame -- as our two favorite celebrity spies. Which in turn will give us the pleasure of naming you our oxymorons of the year.

Glenn Beck: You were everywhere this year, making our skin creep with your ubiquity. So, there's only one very 2010 gift for you: a lifetime supply of bedbugs.

Silvio Berlusconi: So you -- like all those young women breezing through your bunga-bunga parties -- know what it's like to be confronted with the ugly remnants of fading manhood, a complete set of emailed pictures of Brett Favre's junk. 

David Cameron: You -- and your political cousins like New Jersey governor Chris Christie -- are showing great courage by understanding that the only path back up into the light is hard work and real sacrifice down in the darkness. So for your inspiration and listening pleasure, the musical stylings of formerly trapped Chilean miner Edison Pena showing what it's like to truly be happy with life.

Rahm Emanuel: You're a shoe-in to become the next mayor of Chicago. Which means that even though you mastered being a Washington tough guy, you're going to have to bring your game up a notch. So, for this holiday season, your special gift will be a full set of the Mel Gibson audio tapes. Take a listen -- and look, if it doesn't work out, maybe you too can move on to a movie about a talking beaver.

The French national soccer team: You'll all participate in a production of Jean Paul Sartre's "No Exit" -- an irony given your early departure from the World Cup -- in which you are trapped with an orchestra of your favorite ex-hookers, strippers, and angry wives and girlfriends all playing the Marseilles on vuvuzelas -- for eternity.

Kim Jong-un: What do you give a guy whose father has already bequeathed him a country? Well, if the country is North Korea, you need a soundtrack. We think the most appropriate choice for a regime whose time is running out is "Tik Tok" -- and frankly, if this leads to Ke$ha ending up in Pygonyang, it's another win-win for civilization.

Hamid Karzai: Have we got a show for you! It's called Lost. Take that anyway you want.

Larry King: This was the year you said good-bye. Finally. The only more painful exits to watch have been the ones that are hospitalizing the cast of Broadway's "Spiderman." But Larry, you were so good at blowing smoke up the sensitive receptacles of your various guests, we will honor you with a trip to the only smoke-blower that did it better than you this year: Iceland's own Eyjafjallajökull volcano.

Kate Middleton: Marrying into that family, the most appropriate gift we can give you is our sympathy. But just in case, we'll throw in the escape slide that Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater used to escape his lousy job. (And if it's any consolation, if things keep going the way they have been you might also get the distinction of being the wife of the last King of England.)

Bibi Netanyahu: If settlements mean that much to you, how about a nice little apartment for two that you can share with say, Helen Thomas. That'll hopefully get you out of the house and back to the serious work of the peace table in 2011.

Barack Obama: A toast to a year that has actually turned out rather well for you, with the perfect drink: one that'll give you the energy you need and the alcohol you will want, with a name that will constantly remind you of the Hill majority and minority leadership who will continue to make your life miserable. To you...the last few cases of Four Loko. Savor them.

Christine O'Donnell: For you, a lesson in how witchcraft is done right from a 20-year-old who read more studying for finals last weekend than you apparently have in your entire life. Christine, step aside and let Emma Watson show you how it's done while she and the rest of us wait for the end of the Harry Potter saga to come to theaters near us in just a few months.

Tea Partiers: May you conduct your next tea party on a Carnival cruise.

Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and John Edwards: You three gentlemen need something for those overworked libidos, a way to scratch that itch without getting you into so much hot water. So, for all of you, for the foyers in your bachelor pads: state of the art airport scanners. They will live very little to your very active imaginations.

Nothing captures the intellectual desolation of the wasteland that is American media like the fact that this week ended with the media in a furor over the fake and largely irrelevant story of a bungled human resources issue in the bowels of the Department of Agriculture while buried inside Friday's papers were obituaries for efforts to combat climate change and actually create the energy policy America has lacked for, well, ever.

What does this go to show? Well, for one thing, it underscores the obsession of the media with conflict and human drama no matter how inconsequential to the public at large. But even more, it should send a stark reminder to all that -- more often than we care to admit -- the most important story in the world is one that is just not getting covered or ends up as a blurb buried on an inside page. You can't get a good shot of what isn't happening... and with amazing frequency, the most important stories are of what we are not doing.

Also, of course, stories about climate and energy and global warming are -- despite their centrality and even despite a current crisis that could have been used as a springboard to highlight the urgency of doing something -- boring. What isn't boring? Fighting. Personal attacks. And, of course, sex.

Given the unpleasantness of fighting and personal attacks, let's see what we can learn about the world from the Top Sex Stories of the Week.

1. Arab Jailed for Impersonating a Jew:

In Israel, a Palestinian man named Sabbar Kashur was sentenced to a year-and-a-half in jail for what was characterized as "rape by deception." His deception? He told a Jewish woman he met in September 2008 that he was an SJM (single Jewish male) ISO (in search of) a meaningful relationship (insert sounds of wedding bells here.)

One thing led to another, and Kashur and his partner had what both characterize as consensual sex. According to one of the judges ruling on the case however, "If she hadn't thought the accused was a Jewish bachelor interested in a serious romantic relationship, she never would have cooperated." Kashur is appealing. The case, I mean. Certainly, his approach to dating leaves something to be desired. The case raises several important issues. One relates to the ironies involved: Israel is created after centuries in which Jews had to hide their identities to avoid persecution and then produces social divisions so great that a man ends up being arrested for impersonating a Jew. But the bigger question that arises out of this is: How fast can we build jails? Because if the case sets a precedent for men being arrested for lying to get a woman into bed, we'll never have enough room for the incoming waves of freshly minted convicts.

2. Latest Twist in Vatican Sex Scandals: Priests Having Sex with Adults
How can you not enjoy a good sex scandal presented by a magazine owned by an Italian prime minister who knows a thing or two about sex scandals himself? This week, Italy's Panorama magazine rocked the Vatican with yet another exposé, this one revealing priests at play in Roman gay clubs. "By day they are regular priests," wrote Panorama's editors, "complete with a dog collar, but at night it's off with the cassock as they take their place as perfectly integrated members of the Italian capital's gay scene." Of course, the last thing the Vatican needs is another sex scandal. If only there was some way for them to avoid such scandals. Perhaps after more than a millennium and a half of trying to prevent their priests from having sex -- despite the fact that this prohibition was added long after the founding of the Church and has been a resolute failure at every level ever since -- they might consider a set of rules that actually are consistent with, I don't know, the fact that priests are actually also human beings.

3. Iranian Defends Decision to Stone Woman to Death for Adultery: "At Least We're Not Saudi..."
In Iran, which has somehow both prided itself as the most cosmopolitan country in its region while also being the most careful in adhering to medieval laws, a 43-year-old woman from Tabriz was just convicted of having extra-marital relations with two men (who later killed her husband.) Her initial punishment was the traditional local remedy of 99 lashes. But when she appealed, the higher court thought better of the laxer whipping and decided she should be stoned to death. One Iranian journalist named Kourosh Ziabari, who writes for Foreign Policy Journal (probably not, I think, affiliated with this publication), argued "Everything is not perfect here but Iran is very advanced in women's rights when compared to other Islamic countries like Saudi Arabia and Egypt, neither of which receive regular condemnation from the international community over human rights and are allied with the U.S." This is possibly the weakest defense of the indefensible I have heard since Mel Gibson argued that he punched his baby in self-defense. (I kid. I don't believe the baby was actually threatening Mel.)

4. Drama In the Garden of Barbara Eden: Saudi Man Possessed by Female Genie:
Maybe there is something to Ziabari's defense. If you think it's bad for Saudis who are involved in extramarital relationships with one another (see long history of stories about convictions and punishments in this vein), its not so much better for Saudis having an intimate relationship with a phantasm. One poor Saudi guy, a 29 year-old Mecca resident named Turki, has ended up being chained in a basement for the past six years because his parents are convinced he has been possessed by an evil female genie. How do they know? Convulsions, eyeballs rolling back in his head, the usual sort of thing. And then supposedly he speaks in a woman's voice. While you might suppose this sort of display really calls for a visit from a doctor, poor Turki's misfortune is that his father was also apparently possessed by a genie when he was a young lad -- "a woman who would at times appear very beautiful and at times extremely ugly." OK, so now maybe you're thinking what they need is a shrink who understands they have some issues with the opposite sex. But actually, in Saudi Arabia, apparently the proper response to genies is either exorcism or, alternatively, as in the case of one family last year, getting a lawyer and taking the genie to court for the mayhem it produced.

5. Speaking of American Allies: How Do You Sing "Everybody Must Get Stoned" in Urdu?:
In the Northwest Pakistani garden spot known as Kala Dhaka, a couple who were married -- but not to each other -- have also been sentenced to death by stoning. Fortunately for the man involved, he escaped -- or at least that's the explanation being offered for the fact that only the woman reportedly now faces death for their indiscretion. Convicted in a tribal court she either is or is not in imminent danger, depending on which local authorities you believe. One man who sat on the tribunal argued however, that it was unlikely that they will do anything so brutal as the stoning. According to the McLatchy wire report on the case:

We burnt down the man's house, as per our tradition," said Maroof Khan, who allegedly sat on the jirga that decided the case, though he denied that. "When we get hold of them, we'll kill them, there's no doubt about that. It was a clear-cut case. This is our custom. We will just shoot them. Finished."

6. What Would a List of Sex Scandals Be Without a Celebrity?, Part I
Not every sex scandal of the week has a socially significant subtext about flawed societies or ill-considered theological precepts. Some are just about sex but are important nonetheless because they affect figures of international prominence. Take, for example, Franck Ribery, the star of the French national soccer team, who used to be such a figure until France's soccer flame-out in South Africa turned them into international laughing-stocks and a source of Gallic humiliation. Not content to let their misdeeds on the pitch drag them down, Ribery added insult to injury this week when he was charged with solicitation of an underage prostitute. The winger, who plays for Bayern Munich when he is not involved in embarrassing his country, faces up to three years in prison if convicted of the allegedly crime, which came to light in the media last year.

7. What Would a List of Sex Scandals Be Without a Celebrity?, Part II
Not to be outdone, America's national sex scandal, Tiger Woods, also figured in the news this week. Because despite his internationally chronicled misdeeds, it was revealed that he still managed to be the highest paid athlete in the world last year. Yes, his earnings fell about 10 percent, and yes, his wife did get perhaps $100 million, but Woods himself still managed to collect just over $90 million in income last year, according to Forbes's rankings of highest paid athletes. About $70 million of that was from companies that paid him to endorse their products. More than a tawdry story of hanky-panky in the bedroom, each of these sex scandals is a window into the society in which it takes place. At least that's my story and my excuse for posting this list.

It was one thing for Brazil to appease one nuclear rogue state.  But two in one month?  That qualifies as a national policy. The last time anyone appeased that many nuclear scofflaws in such a rapid time frame was ... well, the reality is we do it all the time. North Korea. Pakistan.  India.  Iran. It's now standard operating procedure to let countries build their own A-bombs.    

That's why, as shocking as Brasilia's moves with Turkey to reach out to Iran may have been, Brazil beating North Korea by only one goal is perhaps even more stunning -- a veritable victory for Pyongyang. In a soccer universe in which Brazil is the superpower, North Korea is a pipsqueak, much less of a factor even than it is geopolitically. (Which is saying something given the country's class-by-itself isolation and the economic incompetence of the lunatic regime that runs the country.) 

Brazil is ranked number 1 in the world. North Korea is ranked number 105. The reality is that at many times during today's match, North Korea looked more disciplined than the Brazilians ... and on several stunning occasions, they looked both better and more creative.

While the game is unlikely to be seen as a strong argument that robot automatons make the best soccer players or that a diet of grass and warm water are the cornerstones of the care and feeding of future World Cup stars, it will almost certainly raise a question about the Brazil team.

That question is why? And my only conclusion can be that since the outcome can't be explained on the basis of relative talent, skill or soccer history, something else must be in play. And given the importance of soccer in Brazil, then I say it has to be an initiative taken at the highest levels.

I'm just saying...  Look for this to be an issue in the upcoming Brazilian presidential elections.  And look for the North Korean team to be rewarded with extra-loose shackles and a double order of gruel on their arrival home.

Remember the scene in Annie Hall in which Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are talking and there are sub-titles indicating what they really were thinking? I regularly wish such a thing were available when listening to politicians speak. Not always, because frankly most of the time that politicians speak the best filter is ignoring them altogether. But Barack Obama is the president of the United States, the country is ass deep in alligators and so his State of the Union address takes on special importance. 

We know he and his team have worked for weeks on the address. They have spent the past few days pre-gaming the press hoping to get the "Obama Does It Again: America Starts Believing in Change They Can Believe In ... Again!" story they really want. And we also know that every single phrase in the speech has been viewed through multiple lenses-impact on the media, impact on the left, impact on the right, impact on the center, impact on donors, impact on November 2010 election prospects ... well, you get the idea. With the pros in the White House you often get the sense they're looking at dozens of angles associated with any phrase or idea. It's not triangulation. That's so 1990s. It reeks of Dick Morris'a mouth full of toenail polish. Today we're dealing with polygonulation of a much richer sort. With three political factions, U.S. and foreign media, 50 states, the G20, Michelle, Malia, Sasha, the White House dog and the Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, and Oprah that would make it octacontakaihenagonulation. (There's a change you can believe in.)

Anyway, to help cut through it all, we watched carefully as the president delivered his address and have selected ten key phrases in which the president said one thing but actually meant something else. Then, we added the real or alternative meaning. So now, you can truly understand.

And as for knowing what you yourself were really thinking while you watched, perhaps it's best to return to Annie Hall in which Annie says "Well, to me, I mean it's all instinctive. You know, I mean, I just try to feel it. You know, I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much." But while she says it, the subtitles let us know what she (and you) are really thinking: "God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a schmuck like all the others." 

The following are not necessarily offered in the order they came in the speech:

1. "Despite our hardships, our union is strong. We do not give up. We do not quit."

This actually means: "Holy crap, what a mess. But let's not panic. Please do not give up on me. Please do not quit on me now. It's early yet...and look at this way, you could have elected John Edwards. Imagine where we'd all be then with the economy in the tank, the First Lady moving out and him having to turn the Situation Room into a nursery."

2. "We have to recognize that we face more than a deficit of dollars right now.  We face a deficit of trust -- deep and corrosive doubts about how Washington works that have been growing for years."

This actually means: "We've got a gigantic deficit of dollars right now, but let's change the subject. Let's blame it on the past. I sure hope that you don't notice that throughout this speech I blamed problems on the past like 9 or 10 times. Christ, I hope some nutjob pundit doesn't dub this the "Blame It On the Past" speech tomorrow."

3. "To close that credibility gap we must take action on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue -- to end the outsized influence of lobbyists, to do our work openly and to give our people the government they deserve."

This actually means: "By both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue, I mean in Congress.  As for the ending the outsized influence of big money I sure do hope people weren't watching Tim Geithner's mugging on the Hill earlier today for being too cozy with Wall Street.  No seriously, I hate lobbyists. The guys that fund them, the donations they give, the issues they advance, those things I'm ok with. But lobbyists, I wouldn't bend over to scrape them from my shoe."

4. "Starting in 2011, we are prepared to freeze government spending for three years. Spending related to our national security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security will not be affected. But all other discretionary government programs will. Like any cash-strapped family, we will work within a budget to invest in what we need and sacrifice what we don't."

This actually means: "Anything that pisses Rachel Maddow off this much has got to make centrists a little happier, right?  And where's she going to go?  Who's she going to vote for? Mitt Romney? Ahahahahahahhaha... I could appoint Bill O'Reilly Secretary of Banning Abortions and Distributing Assault Rifles to Schoolchildren and she would still have to vote for me.  As far as the families on a budget line goes, I hope no one does the math. We're freezing 18 percent of the budget. And the rest we're not touching. That's like a family trying to balance its budget by cutting back on what it pays the paperboy."

5. "This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are."

This actually means: "See my little liberal friends, there's something for you in here too. Oh sure, I know this reeks of Clinton era small ball and a kind of something-for-everyone approach. But hey, gay people, enjoy it ... because in terms of my list of priorities going forward, you're way behind big things like health care and fighting global warming and cutting the deficit and defeating terrorism and winning in Afghanistan and virtually none of those things are actually going to happen either."

6.  "Now, the price of college tuition is just one of the burdens facing the middle-class. That's why last year I asked Vice President Biden to chair a task force on Middle-Class Families."

This actually means: "So, ok, here's the one area we are going to spend.  Jobs for the middle class. Tax breaks for the middle class.  We can't afford anything.  Except for programs for the people who will determine whether we get to keep our jobs.  Ha...we're part of our own jobs program."

7. "Now let's be clear -- I did not choose to tackle this issue to get some legislative victory under my belt. And by now it should be fairly obvious that I didn't take on health care because it was good politics."

This actually means: "Let's be clear, while I did take this on because I wanted a big legislative victory and because I thought it was good politics, this dog is clearly not going to hunt.  So let's just walk it back. Did I say I wanted this done by the State of the Union?  What I meant was the first bill I want on my desk this year is a jobs bill." 

8. "Last week, the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests -- including foreign corporations -- to spend without limit in our elections. Well I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that's why I'm urging Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps to right this wrong."

This actually means: "Geesh, this is a bit awkward. They're sitting right there. And they don't look happy. The reason I'm all for separation of powers is that if they were any closer they'd bite me on the leg. And frankly Alito looks like he has rabies."

9. "Throughout our history, no issue has united this country more than our security."

This actually means: "Ok, I have to get to national security for a few minutes. Admittedly, I am going to do about 8 minutes out of a 75 minute speech on foreign policy tonight. Pity because I really am getting us out of Iraq, that's a pretty big deal. I wish I could talk more about this stuff ... but right now, America seems to want a time out from the planet earth."

10."Those of us in public office can respond to this reality by playing it safe and avoid telling hard truths. We can do what's necessary to keep our poll numbers high, and get through the next election instead of doing what's best for the next generation. But I also know this: if people had made that decision fifty years ago or one hundred years ago or two hundred years ago, we wouldn't be here tonight."

That meant: "Those of us in public office can respond to this reality by playing it safe and avoid telling hard truths. We can do what's necessary to keep our poll numbers high, and get through the next election instead of doing what's best for the next generation. But I also know this: if people had made that decision fifty years ago or one hundred years ago or two hundred years ago, we wouldn't be here tonight."

But as I said, all politicians have multiple meanings with their speeches. Overall, the speech was not bad. No grand new ideas. But overall ... not a bad domestic stump speech that was particularly effective when it turned to condemning the dysfunctional mood of Washington at the moment. Admittedly, if you're a foreign policy fan, there really wasn't much here ... but Bush was all national security all the time and that didn't turn out so well for anyone. Grade: B.

Washington is a city of oxymorons. It is a city of garden variety morons, as well. On the oxymoron side we have old favorites like "military intelligence," "compassionate conservative," and "government organization." On the moron side...well, in U.S. politics we have morons on both sides. 

Now we have something new however, as in Washington the oxymorons and the morons are coming together in the form of America's latest reality television extravaganza (we really needed another): "Real World Washington." This is a unique double oxymoron in that it calls itself real but, like most reality TV, it is not...and because it is suggesting, fancifully, that there is somehow a connection between Washington and the real world. As for the morons, well you need only visit the bars around the DuPont Circle neighborhood location of the Real World set and you can view for yourself the cast in all their beer-soaked glory.

At first I wondered to myself how it was that a show like "The Real World" could have become MTV's longest-running hit, now in its 17th year. After all, it's pretty formulaic. Semi-attractive young adults including at least one or two with deep psychological problems are put together in a house in which they: drink, puke, appear to grope one another in grainy night-vision camera shots, and then fight about who groped whom.

Of course, thinking of it that way, I naturally started to wonder why it took so long for the show to come to the home of American politics which have been featuring all these activities for years. (For those of you who are more insensitive than I, insert Teddy Kennedy joke here. And for those of you who don't have the stomach for such humor but still want a laugh at the expense of all that Kennedy family groping, see this link about a new book on America's zany royal family.)

Once I started thinking about politicians and groping and the real world, however, my thoughts immediately drifted eastward, out over the Atlantic, and in the direction of the world's most famous aging libido, that of the host of this week's G8 Meeting, Silvio Berlusconi. This in turn led to a thunderbolt of inspiration akin to that which struck another famous Italian in the Berlusconi mold, Michael Corleone, when he first saw the ill-fated Apollonia Vitelli. What about the Real World Berlusconi-style? What about Real World L'Aquila? Once we get the G8 leaders to Italy, why don't we lock them in a room until they actually produce something productive? And let's put it all on video! Big Brother for Big Brother! 

And to keep it interesting we can add elements of other reality shows. For example, how about a taste of Real Housewives Berlusconi-style, while we're at it. Just locking Silvio and his really (justifiably) angry, estranged wife Veronica Lario in a house for the enjoyment of tv audiences everywhere would be irresistible.But throw her in with a bunch of other world leaders? See what happens when Silvio shoots an ill-considered glance in the direction of Michelle Obama? Who's wailing on him first? Veronica, Barack or Michelle? (My money is on Michelle.) Sadly, of course, Veronica is passing on the G8 Summit, forcing the Italians to turn the wife of their president to be the hostess for the affair.

We still have plenty of fun cast to choose from, however, given that the meetings in Italy will actually be attended by more than 25 countries, including all the G20. Just think of the potential gang we could feature in the house that meet the Real World formula for diversity and mayhem. 

• Of course, we start with the hard-partying Berlusconi. He may be 72 but he has the judgment and appetites of a 19-year-old frat boy and is certain to end up in the money shots that MTV needs. For example, see the recently released photos of him enjoying two women locked in a girl-on-girl kiss in front of him at a party at his estate in Sardinia. 

• Barack and Michelle Obama add the diversity element. In fact, this week they will actually break the color line at the G8 Summit, making it the first to actually feature a person of color sitting in one of the principal's seats. But they are also fun-loving, party people. Barack danced on the Ellen show and in Dreams from My Father he admitted to the kind of recreational drug use that one has to believe is an off-camera Real World specialty. Michelle would, of course, be the serious one in the house, the good girl who MTV clings to as a sign of the redeeming social content of the series.

• Carla Bruni knows how to party like a rock star from having partied with so many rock stars and because she is so telegenic she will be allowed to bring along her little guy, who will undoubtedly end up being the "Spencer" (to mix reality TV metaphors) of the show, mouthing off to everyone and likely getting into a fight with some of the bigger, more athletic members of Real World L'Aquila.

• One of the more dangerous of "jock" contingent will be former member of the Japanese Olympic team, Taro Aso, who competed in the shooting competition. Perfect for TV, Aso is even more dangerous when shooting off his mouth than when using a weapon. For instance, there was the time that he said sketched out his vision for a better Japan, suggesting that he wanted to help make it a country in which "rich Jews" would like to live.

• Another of the "jocks" with a professed love of weightlifting early in his life is Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. More appealing however to producers at MTV will be his tastes in music which include Black Sabbath and Deep Purple. So, two birds with one stone...he's the muscle (he still swims a mile twice a day) and the requisite head-banger of the crowd. (Perhaps this will create fireworks others in the group who were firebrands in their youth, like former secretary for Agitprop of her chapter of the Free German Youth socialist youth group, Angela Merkel. Maybe after a few beers with vodka chasers they might break out in a Karaoke performance of "99 Luftballons" or, from the Deep Purple songbook, "Smoke on the Water.")

• Sadly, this being television, some thought may have to be given to kicking Canada and Great Britain out of the G8 due to the fact that Stephen Harper and Gordon Brown are so boring. At least, there is nothing in their youths that suggests they would ever indulge in the kind of hijinks that make for good reality television. Harper and Canada even managed to take the drama out of the global financial meltdown by actually properly managing their financial systems (something that can't be said for Brown who manages to achieve a paradoxical blend of boring and yet somehow terrifying at the same time.)

Given the fact that Berlusconi will be joined in Italy by members of the G20, the cast can be expanded to included a diverse enough group of lively characters to make this one version of Real World actually look a lot more like the real world than its many predecessors. South Africa's Jacob Zuma is, for example, a party all by himself with four wives, three other fiancés, perhaps as many as 18 children, and a list of run-ins with the law that would allow him to play the bad boy role. China's Hu Jintao was reportedly fond of singing and dancing in his teen years and therefore might add a little lift to those party nights out. And although Brazil's President Lula and Zuma may only have achieved the fourth and fifth grade in school, respectively, this actually makes them educationally over-qualified by Real World standards. 

Sadly for the Real World premise...and for the real world...not many of the visiting leaders are women so we will have to rely on host Berlusconi to add a few of his close personal friends to add a little sexual tension to the show.  But what with party credentials of the crowd gathering in L'Aquila and the help of Il Cavaliere it's clear this could make for fine viewing.  If we wanted to make it something more than that...and something more than the bland communiqué machine G8 meetings typically are...we could add a different reality show twist, à la say "Big Brother" or "Survivor," in which participants are voted out after each week. Except in this instance, what we could do is rely on the general odiousness of hanging out with pols around the clock to motivate the cast to want to leave the house, but then not let them out unless they actually get something done in their negotiations. Think how that system would change the nature of summits. Although my fear is that rather than producing more productive meetings of government leaders, the requirement that they get something done would actually lead to the end of summits altogether.

MARCO LONGARI/AFP/Getty Images

The great Tom Ricks posted a little inspiration for me and the entire foreign policy community today. It would be rude not to return the favor. So here's one way to make the already terrific "Best Defense" even better.

It looks like Miss California Carrie Prejean's problem may just have been that she picked the wrong pageant.

In case you missed the constant barrage of photos of the half-naked Miss USA runner-up that the media has been airing this week in their never ending quest for the truth (or to exploit a good opportunity to get some expensively spray-tanned skin on the air during May sweeps), Prejean is in big trouble with her pageant's organizers. They are shocked, shocked by some of her behavior. Of course, it is unclear which of her actions is really troubling them -- her semi-nude "lingerie model" photos or her appearances at her church on behalf of the National Organization for Marriage during which she spoke out against gay marriage. 

Ok, we all know it couldn't be the photos, right? I mean the pageant had her appear practically naked on television. That's obviously just an excuse.  Prejean sealed her fate when she expressed a personal belief that didn't jibe with those of the new Billy Graham, America's new moral arbiter, Perez Hilton. So, the moral forces behind the event including Miss California pageant director Shanna Moakler, best known for allegedly punching Paris Hilton in the jaw during a cat fight over Moakler's then husband, scrawny, tatted-up, marginal rock singer Travis Barker, and Donald Trump, best known for his serial bankruptcies, appalling taste, and really, really bad hair, are now contemplating whether to banish Prejean to ensure that they get a more politically correct choice in place to be available for the next strip mall opening in Barstow.

(Just so there is no mistake about my view on these vitally important issues, I am all for both gay marriage and semi-nude photos of beauty queens. I am also for freedom of speech and don't think it's fair to kick someone out of a high public office like Miss California or Vice Miss USA just because they don't hold a mainstream or even a defensible view.)

But there is good news for Miss Prejean on this National Prayer Day (which begins here in Washington with hundreds of politicians gathering for a national prayer breakfast in which they bow their heads and appeal to the Good Lord that a photograph of them praying ends up in their home town paper). Saudi Arabia, this weekend will kick off its own beauty pageant, one with a uniquely Saudi spin, the fabulous, second annual "Miss Beautiful Morals" pageant. In this event, unlikely to be picked up by Donald Trump for broadcast to the U.S. anytime soon, the winner is the young woman who demonstrates "the most devotion and respect for her parents."

According to pageant founder Khadra al-Mubarak, quoted in an Associated Press story, "the idea of the pageant is to measure the contestants commitment to Islamic morals...it's an alternative to the calls for decadence in other beauty contests that only take into account a woman's body and looks." Although sadly there appears to be no evening burka competition in the pageant, there are ten weeks of classes and quizzes on pro-parent topics like "Mom, paradise is at your feet." Over 200 women compete for a grand prize of more than $2,600 (not enough to buy even one of Prejean's recent breast implants) and "other prizes." (A one year modeling contract for Miss Wahabi Hottie magazine, maybe? Featuring the latest in "Death to Israel and the Great Satan" full-coverage resort-wear?) 

Commenting on the differences between a glitzier pageant in more liberal Lebanon that actually features one piece bathing suits and the Saudi inner beauty extravaganza, the AP article notes dryly, "There are no such displays in ultra-strict Saudi Arabia, where until Miss Beautiful Morals was inaugurated last year, the only pageants were for goats, sheep, camels and other animals..."

Using unusual restraint, I will not comment on this last point except to suggest that if Carrie Prejean is in need of a replacement title sometime soon, she may just want to look into other options internationally where in addition to "Miss Beautiful Morals" she could compete for other crowns which during the past several years have included the likes of the Russian nuclear industry's "Miss Atom", Thailand's plus-sized "Miss Jumbo-Queen", Angola's "Miss Landmine", "Miss Brazil Transex", outer-space's "Miss Klingon Empire" and the good old USA's "Miss Hell-hole Swamp." And if these don't work out, after the Saudi option, perhaps the one most suited to Miss Prejean's publicized talents might be China's glamorific "Miss Artificial Beauty Contest." 

No need for a thank you note, Carrie. Just another public service article from your friends at FP.

JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images